Adoption concerns
I'm sure that this entire adoption process I'm experiencing will be incredibly educational--at every level. Already I'm learning to deal with "concerns" that others have expressed. Though not alarming, the "concerns" have certainly caused me to stop and consider.
Concern 1: This concern is typically expressed by someone, who it would appear, is deeply committed to maintaining the status quo of life. When verbalized, it comes out something like this: "I have a friend, neighbor, co-worker, etc., who adopted a child (and here their voice drops to a whisper) and when the child became a teenager he began to act out and wreaked havoc in their household."
As I consider: Though this is certainly a possibility, how about the acting out of biological children who "wreak havoc" in their teen years? And in every case we probably need to ask some questions about the parenting skills of the adults in the household. Adoption typically does present a higher risk of family life disruption, but if I have to choose between the safe, smooth way and the risk of following Jesus . . . I'll choose Jesus every time.
Come to think of it, what about the poor kids who are not responsible for the disruption of the household? 1 in 2 marriages ends in divorce in America today. Shouldn't someone warn the children that there is a 50% chance that they are going to experience unbelievable pain and hardship if they're in any given family? Pain and hardship that will in all likelihood cause serious mental and emotional (even financial) scars for years to come.
And then there's God's point of view (at least from my limited point of view). Wouldn't it have been horrible if God would have decided not to adopt us as His children, into His family, because of the havoc we would wreak in His household? "I mean God, this is going to cost You unbelievable pain, sleepless nights, tears . . . ummm, Your Son that You love . . ."
Concern 2: This concern is typically expressed by someone, who it would appear, has my nine year old daughter's best interests in mind. When verbalized, it comes out something like this: "How is Tabitha doing? You know we're just worried about her growing up with someone so 'different' in her house."
As I consider: I love that Tabitha is growing up with someone so "different" as her brother. In fact, what I love about it is that she will quickly discover the "sameness" of us all--regardless of race, color or financial background. I love that Tabitha prays every night for the four children we sponsor with Compassion International. Children that are very "different" from her but that have the "same" need for God's love. I love that Tabs kisses Elijah goodnight . . . and that she doesn't even notice that she is kissing the cheek of a black baby . . . she's simply loving on her brother.
And then I think about God. Thank goodness (or more appropriately, thank God), that He is not a racist. The fact of the matter is that I'm not Jewish! And if God had been racist then I would never have been able to become one of His chosen people. No hope now or for all of eternity. As it is, God has chosen to place red and yellow, black and white in my family--which includes believers from all around the world. I hope God doesn't worry too much about me growing up with people who are "different" from me in the family of Jesus-followers. Ummm, I hope that He doesn't worry too much about the others in the family from whom I am so different. I'm just happy to be part of the family.
Concern 1: This concern is typically expressed by someone, who it would appear, is deeply committed to maintaining the status quo of life. When verbalized, it comes out something like this: "I have a friend, neighbor, co-worker, etc., who adopted a child (and here their voice drops to a whisper) and when the child became a teenager he began to act out and wreaked havoc in their household."
As I consider: Though this is certainly a possibility, how about the acting out of biological children who "wreak havoc" in their teen years? And in every case we probably need to ask some questions about the parenting skills of the adults in the household. Adoption typically does present a higher risk of family life disruption, but if I have to choose between the safe, smooth way and the risk of following Jesus . . . I'll choose Jesus every time.
Come to think of it, what about the poor kids who are not responsible for the disruption of the household? 1 in 2 marriages ends in divorce in America today. Shouldn't someone warn the children that there is a 50% chance that they are going to experience unbelievable pain and hardship if they're in any given family? Pain and hardship that will in all likelihood cause serious mental and emotional (even financial) scars for years to come.
And then there's God's point of view (at least from my limited point of view). Wouldn't it have been horrible if God would have decided not to adopt us as His children, into His family, because of the havoc we would wreak in His household? "I mean God, this is going to cost You unbelievable pain, sleepless nights, tears . . . ummm, Your Son that You love . . ."
Concern 2: This concern is typically expressed by someone, who it would appear, has my nine year old daughter's best interests in mind. When verbalized, it comes out something like this: "How is Tabitha doing? You know we're just worried about her growing up with someone so 'different' in her house."
As I consider: I love that Tabitha is growing up with someone so "different" as her brother. In fact, what I love about it is that she will quickly discover the "sameness" of us all--regardless of race, color or financial background. I love that Tabitha prays every night for the four children we sponsor with Compassion International. Children that are very "different" from her but that have the "same" need for God's love. I love that Tabs kisses Elijah goodnight . . . and that she doesn't even notice that she is kissing the cheek of a black baby . . . she's simply loving on her brother.
And then I think about God. Thank goodness (or more appropriately, thank God), that He is not a racist. The fact of the matter is that I'm not Jewish! And if God had been racist then I would never have been able to become one of His chosen people. No hope now or for all of eternity. As it is, God has chosen to place red and yellow, black and white in my family--which includes believers from all around the world. I hope God doesn't worry too much about me growing up with people who are "different" from me in the family of Jesus-followers. Ummm, I hope that He doesn't worry too much about the others in the family from whom I am so different. I'm just happy to be part of the family.
posted by Greg Nettle at 2:43 PM
6 Comments:
"...when the child became a teenager he began to act out and wreaked havoc in their household"
Isn't that what most teenagers do? it's called hormones! ;)
Doesn't matter if they are adopted or biological!
Adoption is a terrific thing and I think it's wonderful that you have done it!
My two children were adopted from birth.....they are adults now...had some problems with one...but love both kids just the same. We certainly learned to be advocates for the one with learning problems... I think some people just don't understand or relate to unconditional love. I thank God that he loves me unconditonally!!! My husband and I...and our adopted children are very blessed.
What is important is that your family is giving love to a child that truly needs it. Further, you are showing Elijah the love of Jesus. All of the details don't matter - only love matters.
Coming from a parent that has 5 teenagers in our family at this time. And, thinking that our parenting skills are probably not perfect, but we think we are doing an O.K. job. They still "wreak havoc" on our household everyday. Some day's it's 1 or 2 of them. Other day's it's all of them. and, if we are lucky, every once in a while we have a semi peaceful day. But, I wouldn't have it any other way. Also having a 20 year old, we know that they do grow out of it. We all did the same thing to our parents.
Gail
I have two children of my own and am a single mother...and every day someone in my well-meaning family expresses concerns about the source of my teenager's rebellion. Was it my parenting skills? Was it because I was a single mom? Can you believe - I've even had one relative tell me that I took my kids to church too much, and that is why they feel the need to rebell now. Wow!
I am sure as teens - all of us were at one time our parents re-occuring daymare in some way or another. It really is not fair for anyone to make assumptions or judgements in any cae.
Raising children - biolgical - adopted - step children - whatever - is a leap of faith. The teen years are just one of the many ways that faith gets tested ;)
Greg, I have shared your family's adoption story with so many people this past month and the only thing I ever hear from the folk's I have shared with is "Whoa - that is a totally awesome story! God Bless them!"
Kiss Tabs and Baby Elijah for us!
As an adopted child, who has spent maybe too much time pondering this topic, here's my 2 cents.
I think it's simply the old nature vs nurture discussion. I believe we are the result of an equal mix of both. So it would follow that adopted children are naturally "wired" a little differently than the rest of the biological family members. Our emotional responses and perceptions on how we process our experiences are different. I was raised the same as my sisters, same life lessons, same great parents setting an example. The difference between us wasn't extreme, it was subtle.
Now factor in the teen years. Oh boy. It took us quite a while to get on the same page, but once we did the blessings abounded. The opportunity to learn from each other, the changes, the growth... Wow. I don't think any of us would have come this far had we not been together.
We struggled because of "nature", and overcame it because of "nurture".
(We don't even have to adopt a child to experience this. Just spend more time outside our safe little worlds.)
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